How to Tell Your Cat About Trump Read online

  HOW TO TELL YOUR CAT ABOUT TRUMP

  BREAKING BURGH

  Breaking Burgh Books

  Copyright © 2017 by Eoin Carney All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  www.BreakingBurgh.com

  Contents

  Introduction

  Is Your Cat A Secret Trump Supporter?

  My Bastard Cat Is A Fan Of Trump – What Now?

  Signs You Have A Nice Liberal Cat

  Reassure Your Cat That Donald Trump Is Not Going To Grab It

  Emphasize That None Of This Is Your Cat’s Fault

  My Cat Is A Persian – Should I Be Worried?

  What About Kitlers And Demonic Cats?

  Also By Breaking Burgh

  Introduction

  There has been a lot written in the wake of Donald Trump's ascension to the White House, including no small number of instructional guides on how to cope with this epic disaster. But despite all the ink spilled and e-ink downloaded, one very important consideration has been woefully neglected – how to tell your cat about Trump.

  Until now.

  People who own cats are statistically more likely to oppose Donald Trump. This observation is so blatantly correct that it doesn't require any supporting data. The vast majority of cat lovers despise our current President. If this describes you then you have made what is possibly the smartest decision of your life by getting hold of this book.

  Perhaps you have been shielding your pet from the terrible news that Donald Trump pulled out a surprise win back in November of 2016. Maybe you thought that, once in office, Donald Trump would be subjugated by the Washington apparatus and would operate much like any other ineffectual politician.

  We now know this belief could not have been more wrong. Trump is Trump is Trump, even when he's POTUS. In fact, he's gotten worse.

  You owe it to your feline companion in life to tell it the truth, painful as that may be. But first – and you won't like this but it is absolutely critical – you need to determine if your sweet furry friend is really a secret Trump supporter in disguise.

  It's a lot more common than you think.

  Is Your Cat A Secret Trump Supporter?

  We've all told those jokes about how our cats dictate our lives. If a human did the things our cat does would we speak so charitably of them? No – we'd call them an asshole. Cats are basically assholes when you get down to it. It's a fact and we all know it.

  Obviously as a good liberal you can't imagine that your darling cat could ever be a fan of the Orange One, but now is the time to step back and dispassionately evaluate that possibility.

  Consider the following list of qualities that most if not all cats have in common:

  Cats are not trainable

  Cats only respond to rewards

  Cats are work-shy

  Cats enjoy toying with mammals smaller than them

  Cats find bodily functions gross and offensive

  Cats have a self-appointed regal air about them

  Cats either ignore you or demand your complete attention

  Cats always have to be in charge

  Remind you of anyone? Don't panic! Just because your cat shares a number of characteristics with the President does not automatically label it a Trump supporter. The key to identifying a genuine Trump cat is to look for changes in behavior since the departure of Obama. Similar to how Trump's ascension to the White House has emboldened his human supporters, your cat, if a fan, will have likewise increased its aggression.

  Check off any behaviors that have appeared or intensified since January 2017:

  ___ Relieves itself anywhere with a look that says "So sue me"

  ___ Brazenly attacks your acquaintances in the media

  ___ Aggressively shows off its paws

  ___ Hisses at Mexicans

  ___ Hunts prey more often and with extra torturing

  ___ Scratches (or urinates on) the screen when Megyn Kelly appears

  ___ Has abruptly lost the respect it had for John McCain

  ___ Tells more exotic breeds of cat to 'Go Home'

  ___ Tries to mount the heads of its kill on the baseboard

  Give your cat a point for each checkmark and add them up.

  If the score is 5 or greater, this means your cat has been harboring latent authoritarian tendencies all along and, with Trump now in power, feels free to express them.

  The terrible truth is that your beloved animal is a genuine supporter of No. 45, and the next chapter is all for you.

  My Bastard Cat Is A Fan Of Trump – What Now?

  So your precious cat has Trump-loving sympathies. You might have gone through life without ever knowing this had Donald Trump not run for President and been elected by the American people, but he was and you do. Give your cat some credit for keeping a lid on it during the Obama years, which must have been a struggle.

  Before you decide what action to take, remind yourself that no cat is all that far from Trump's self-serving authoritarian impulses. Even the most left-leaning cats are still right-of-center in human terms, which is fundamental to the nature of their species. There is no such thing as the feline equivalent of Bernie Sanders – for that you would have to get a true socialist pet such as a meerkat. Since it's cruel to own a solitary meerkat or to take an animal out of its natural habitat, you would need to move to Africa and adopt a whole colony of them there. It could be argued that it is you who have become their pet at this point. Such ironies are rampant within socialism.

  The first decision you must make is whether to keep your Trumpster cat or not. One thing to consider is that most people already put up with so much for the sake of their cat that the knowledge it would happily wear a MAGA hat may not be such a big deal. Try writing down all the annoying things that you put up with as part of owning a cat regardless of its political inclination. Here are some to get you started:

  Destroys carpet

  Meows incessantly at nighttime

  Leaves chipmunk entrails across kitchen floor

  Destroys sofa

  Killed your pet bird

  Gave you toxoplasmosis

  Destroys houseplants

  Knocks over everything on mantel

  Looks at you condescendingly

  Destroys last roll of toilet paper

  Makes vacuuming a hundred times more necessary

  Pretends to get stuck to be entertained by your concern

  Destroys curtains or blinds

  Certainly you can come up with many more. Hopefully this gives you the perspective to keep your cat despite what you now know about its politics.

  But what if I can't?

  Your feelings are perfectly reasonable and you do not deserve to be judged for getting rid of your animal, though understand that you will be very harshly judged for getting rid of your animal. First, do not alert your cat to your intentions before you are ready to act, or your dwelling will experience such destruction that you may end up homeless. Behave as normal and do not try to placate your cat politically as that is a dead giveaway that you are about to kick it to the curb. If your Spotify starts playing Ted Nugent after years of Arcade Fire, your cat will surely know something is up. Even Trump-loving cats are highly intelligent, much more so than his human supporters.

  The best choice is to give your cat to a Trump supporter who is willing to take it. Once in its new home – which it will share with stray bullets and a pit bull – your former cat may regret its life choices. Do not offer to take it back under any circumstance.
It made its bed and now must lie in it, just like all those West Virginians who thought coal was coming back.

  Failing that, you could give it to a shelter. Though you only believe in no-kill shelters which are very hard to get into, this is a Trump-supporting cat that you are trying to get rid of which made a point of mocking whiny-baby no-kill policies. Explain to your cat that when you live by the sword you die by the sword and drop it off at any shelter that's convenient. If your cat supported Paul Ryan, feel free to abandon it in a desolate area with no food or water. If your cat complains, reply that it deserves nothing and you need a tax break.

  Or you could always pawn your feline Trumpster off on a friend who is even more of a bleeding-heart liberal than you are and make it their problem.

  Signs You Have A Nice Liberal Cat

  Your cat is not a Trump supporter. Good for you! But have you lucked out with a truly liberal cat? You may think you have because your cat likes to watch Anderson Cooper, but therein lies a trap. Anderson Cooper is like a deity to cats, even Trump-loving cats. First, Anderson Cooper kind of looks like a lithe human version of a cat, which they find very appealing. He is also very calm and circumspect most of the time, but with the ability to lash out viciously when necessary. These are qualities all cats worship. A cat's admiration of Anderson Cooper therefore rises above politics, just as many humans' admiration of Anderson Cooper sinks below politics (to raw lust).

  The vast majority of cats are libertarians who have learned to live as opportunistic parasites off their liberal hosts. This contrasts with dogs, who seek to be the junior partner in a coalition with their owners, whose political outlook they are happy to adopt. Cats view a dog's subservience to its master with contempt, and easily see through its pathetic attempts to compensate by barking and being aggressive towards others. No matter how liberal your cat is, it will never display the loyalty or neediness of even the most independent dog. If it does it is very ill and should be taken to the vet immediately.

  It is important to realize the chances that you own a liberal cat are very slim. Nevertheless, some people do own solidly liberal cats. To find out if yours is one of this select group, check off every behavior that applies:

  ___ Tolerated cat walking at least once — doesn't like it but believes in being open to new experiences

  ___ Way into the catnip — maybe deals too

  ___ Stops scratching the furniture once it sees you cry

  ___ Lets you hold it longer than usual when it's obvious you're grieving or have been dumped

  ___ Tolerates children well — doesn't like them but understands the societal need to propagate the species

  ___ Judges people based on how they treat it rather than appearance or smell

  ___ Is not bigoted against hairless cats — note that if your cat is hairless, it's either a confirmed liberal or the feline Clarence Thomas

  ___ Coughs up a hairball anytime Sean Hannity is mentioned

  A score of 2-4 means your cat is a Rockefeller Republican, and anything higher indicates you have a liberal cat, maybe even more so than you are! Perhaps you're so progressive you never believed in withholding anything from your animal, but more likely you have been protecting it from recent tumultuous political developments with the best of intentions. If this is the case, your cat may well be operating under the perfectly reasonable but erroneous assumption that Hillary Clinton is the President.

  But no matter how well you may think you have shielded your cat from what is happening in the wider world, it is almost certainly picking up signals that something is terribly amiss. This could be in the form of overheard snatches of dialog from This American Life that it partially comprehends, or the sight of you banging your head against the refrigerator whenever you check Facebook. Whatever the level of understanding, it is essential that you complete the following steps to protect your cat's sanity.

  Reassure Your Cat That Donald Trump Is Not Going To Grab It

  Your cat has probably overheard something about Donald Trump grabbing pussies and may be scared of being taken hostage by the President. Do not try to trick your cat into thinking this was a figment of its imagination or that it must have taken place in a dream. You may be tempted to do so out of love, but you are in effect gaslighting your cat which is wrong. Tell them they are correct in their suspicion that Donald Trump said he could grab any pussy he wants, but this does not apply to them so they have nothing to fear.

  Your cat will almost certainly object, arguing that it is manifestly clear from the language employed that they are at imminent risk of being manhandled by POTUS. At this point there is no way around breaking it to your cat that it is a nickname for human female genitalia. Your pet will need time to process. It is important to understand that your cat will be doubly horrified, both at being used as a slang term in this way, and because it now appreciates how much misogyny exists in the world.

  There is a danger that your cat may lose all respect for the human race and attempt to leave your house to go feral.

  If it does, let it go.

  Be warned that even if your cat does not leave immediately it may react by becoming ardently opposed to Donald Trump and everything he stands for with an outrage that far eclipses your own. If this happens, your cat will not simply become a progressive activist dedicated to peaceful protest, but will transform into a radical revolutionary bent on upending the current order. Its newfound stridency may scare you but is to be expected as cats do not do abrupt political change in half measures. Despite how frightening it may be, your cat should not be confused with so-called demonic cats (discussed later), though it will certainly appear demonic to those that are the target of its wrath.

  Your radicalized cat will be so motivated by injustice at this point that previous penchants for food and napping will no longer hold any allure. Do not expect to be allowed to keep any depictions of President Trump in the home, even if they are satirical and mocking in nature. All iconography of the enemy will be destroyed by your cat, which will fastidiously maintain its claws at full sharpness in preparation for violent revolution breaking out at any moment. Hopefully you will be able to get on board with your pet's no-holds-barred approach to resistance. If not, your pet will not be too bothered as it now has a purpose in life that far outweighs anything you can offer it. If you do not share its dedication to fanatical resistance at all costs, it will be happy to leave with no hard feelings to join up with other likeminded individuals battling against the forthcoming fascist takeover. If it determines you may be a future threat to the security of the struggle it may just kill you first, though.

  If this happens, do not take it personally.

  Emphasize That None Of This Is Your Cat’s Fault

  In addition to anxiety over being unwillingly grabbed by Donald Trump – fears you have hopefully now allayed – your cat may also be dealing with unresolved guilt that it contributed to this political disaster. It is important that you communicate to your animal friend that, being a cat, it bears no responsibility for the embarrassing electoral disaster that has befallen the nation. To do this you must acknowledge the ways in which your cat might have been led to believe it was responsible and correct the misunderstandings one by one.

  Cat memes

  This is the most likely reason why your cat has erroneously concluded it bears some responsibility for recent political events. Much of the discourse concerning the 2016 election and its aftermath took place on social media, which also happens to be overrun with images of cats. It's hardly a surprise that your cat attributed some level of causation to this overwhelming correlation.

  Once you tell your cat that people like seeing pictures of cats online even if it bears no relation to the subject at hand, your cat will unquestioningly accept your explanation because it appeals to its vanity.

  The word "pusillanimous"

  This word, meaning a lack of courage or determination, does not relate directly to cats as it comes from the ecclesiastical Latin pusillanimis made up
from pusillus (very small) and animus (mind). Your cat should not take it as a slur or indication that it did not do enough to prevent a thin-skinned, petulant reality TV star from taking the White House.

  The word "pussyfoot"

  This word, meaning to dance around a subject nimbly and refuse to commit to a firm decision, does indeed come from a stereotype of cats and their natural instinct to be circumspect. But don't be afraid to tell your cat this as it will be proud of the association. Plunging ahead and making firm decisions gave us President Trump after all.

  Puns in general

  Here the word “catastrophe” as applied to the last election is the big culprit, along with Trump-related jokes employing phrases like “You've got to be KITTEN me!” and “This President is imPAWSible!”. First, explain to your cat that catastrophe comes from the Greek kata (down) and strophē (turning) and has nothing to do with felines. You will also need to explain the concept of punning to your cat as it is a phenomenon unique to humans.

  Detoxify the situation by avoiding cat-related puns and focus instead on puns like “EGGSactly”, as there is no love lost between cats and fowl. You may find that your cat looks at you with a mixture of disgust and pity after this. This is because your cat now realizes that the higher cognitive abilities you possess, which it had such respect for, are used for crap like this.